On the last two Saturdays I have been at weddings and was disappointed to discover that contrary to what I had believed, I have not improved in my anxiety within social gatherings of this sort. Somehow I perceived that I had become more socially adept, when in fact I had failed to notice that I simply hadn't been attending the kind of function that makes me the most uncomfortable. At the first wedding I found myself lurking around talking to the people I knew, while at the second where I didn't know anyone other than the bride, groom and chief bridesmaid (and Matt of course) I found myself sitting nervously trying to think of things to say to the people at my table.
I guess the positive is that I used to find all activities taxing, I must have got a lot better as now I can confidently do things where I know what is expected and what to do, e.g. work activities, shopping, going to church, attending baby groups etc. but events in which I am expected to mix with people I don't know and chat about things still fill me with dread and leave me confused as to what I should do.
It's also made me realise how much I love having Jonas with me wherever I go. He's perfect, he draws attention away from me, gives me something to talk about, gives a barrier between me and the world and he gives my hands something to do and an excuse to leave.
To those people who were getting married, please don't be offended if you're reading this. I loved seeing you get married and was honoured to be invited, it is just the mingling with strangers I don't like.
I sometimes wonder if it's my dislike of alcohol that causes me to feel so out of it at parties. Is it that which gives the other people a false confidence and desire to dance? I don't have a desire to fit in or feel comfortable that much though that I would be willing to get drunk or dance.