Okay, so blogger’s profile thing gives you a random question, some better than others, in a moment of boredom I figured I’d keep reloading to find out loads of them and answer them all. Only I rather stupidly got loads of questions first, then wasn’t so bothered about answering them, so I’ve just sat here and answered them all with a lot less enthusiasm than I had for the job in the first place. Blogger only allows 150 characters for the answer, so I have limited myself to that, which is why the answers are all very short.
Oh, they are entirely random, so I may not have got all of the questions, I kept getting repeats so stopped, but there may be more that I haven’t got.
- In the dream where you show up to school naked, why do you never go swimming?
Because I forgot my swimming costume of course, you can’t expect me to go swimming without my costume!
- You forgot your mom's birthday! What can you make out of super glue and olive pits?
A giant model of an olive pit.
- You are going to the moon, what did you forget to pack?
My waders.
- Oscillate my metallic sonatas with your plan for the Panama canal:
Nail a tired rotini in it, order Italian!
- Aren't papier mache cuts the worst?
They are to be avoided at all costs, because if you get the glue in the cut you mutate into a papier mache puppet. Bad.
- Your superpower is that you smell like dandelions whenever someone lies. How will you maintain your secret identity?
By working as a florist.
- Your bow is not broken but you've run out of arrows. How can you fake being a bard?
The way to be a bard my dear
Is to talk in rhyme throughout the year
And tell long tales of daring deeds
By men who ride on cunning steeds.
- That can't really be a fish you're standing on, can it?
Are you referring to the soles of my feet or the perch on which I am balanced?
Yes, I know that’s what was expected, but who am I to defy expectations?
- If you were a wrestler, what would be your finishing move?
I am a wrestler and my finishing move is generally the floorcushion: where you sit on your opponent.
- You've rented a sky-writer to propose to your significant other, but it's completely overcast. What will you do?
Demand a refund.
- You can punch a hole in an apple using a straw. How do you think that makes your milkshake feel?
Abused
- You've just inherited a manufacturing plant that specializes in plastics. What are you going to make?
Cheese. Why not branch out and try something new? Plus we need more cheese.
- Why don't you ever wear a scarf? It doesn't need to be cold outside for your neck to feel naked.
You had to bring it up didn’t you? I don’t have a scarf, it’s traumatic enough without you pointing it out.
- Please describe how you could take the peel off an apple all in one go:
I would shrink myself and enter deep inside the apple, then destroy the apple from the inside, letting the peel drop in one go.
- Please come up with a more appropriate name for the ringtoe:
Well, that’s tricky since I’m not entirely sure what a ringtoe is, unless it’s a toering, in which case someone’s already done the job.
- Lionesses have no manes. How do they know when they've grown up?
When they have to start paying their parents rent money.
- If mud is dirt plus water, what is clay?
Clay is a different type of mud. I can’t really think of a silly answer for that.
- You've been invited to a fancy ball but the only thing you have to wear is an orange wooly jumper. What shoes do you wear?
If I only have an orange jumper to wear then I can’t wear any shoes because I don’t have any.
- Compose the lyrics to a new national anthem that features an animal sound at least once:
moo moo moo moo
moo moo moo moo
moo moo moo mooo
To cows this is a truly inspiring anthem, however it’s very hard to translate, you’ll have to ask a cow.
- Radio wire is often used to make bird nests. What station do they listen to?
Radio 4
- What would you wear for camouflage if you were hiding in a gingerbread house?
If I’m in a gingerbread house I’ll be too busy eating it to worry about hiding.
- When you hesitate before hitting snooze on your alarm clock, are you being lazy?
No, I am in fact expending extra energy as hitting snooze is an extra activity. Had I got up immediately I would have saved myself this job.
- Foxes are clever and tigers are cunning. So, what's your cat's safety school?
Don’t get this question, does it mean score?
- Unlike a dog, how can a turtle ever be naked?
Why unlike a dog? Why not unlike a fish? Or a monkey? Or just “How can a turtle ever be naked?” I guess the answer is it can’t without its shell.
- What's the most amount of sand you've ever had in your swimming trunks?
40 grams.
- What reason do you have to believe the earth is flat?
What reason do you have to believe that it isn’t?
- Describe the sound of a moist waffle falling onto a hot griddle.
splst
- You've got to make contact with the alien leader. How will you tell when the conversation is finished?
When that feeling of an awkward silence descends upon the room and everyone is looking around nervously.
- What did you dream when you ate a spider while sleeping?
That a spider was eating me in his sleep.
- What's the earliest you've gotten up to watch cartoons and what did you see?
I can’t remember ever getting up to watch cartoons.
- Create a tagline for a new line of plastic bedsheets.
If you’ve a bed wetter
Or damp irish setter
You can’t buy better!
- When you've got water stuck in your ear, how do you get it out?
With more water.
- You laughed so hard you can't catch your breath. Stick out your tongue and show us what's funny:
:-P
- Your pajamas have duckies on them. Why did you switch from choo-choos?
Because the choo choos were keeping me awake at night with their whistling.
- You're trapped in a well with a goat and a slinky. Describe how you will escape.
Torment the goat by showing the slinky and how it can’t use it because it has no opposable thumbs, till it headbutts me out of the well.
- If you drive on a parkway why don't they make the whole plane out of that?
Because no one would be there to hear the tree.
- Which do you prefer and why: whittling with soap or whistling with wood?
Whistling with wood, because it is much more tuneful, except when you get splinters.
- You've written a hit musical! How will you avoid having fame go to your head?
Set up security cordons to prevent the fame from being able to reach my head.
- Whoops! Your tongue is now a magnet. Whatever will you use for silverware?
Who needs silverware? Put iron filings in the food and it’ll leap into my mouth. Alternatively: Mamosian Antimatter Chopsticks.
- The wicked backspin caught you off guard. How will you play it off without losing your footing?
Why bother?
- The squish of mud between your toes; how would you live your life as a frog?
Running around trying to avoid being kissed by a princess.
- Never mind the turtle. Don't you think you're sure to win?
It’s not that easy to not mind the turtle!
- You've successfully slain the dragon! How will you toast your marshmallows?
In the time honoured tradition: play him like a set of bagpipes to emit his final burst of flame and hold the marshmallows on a spit in the fire.
- What's the best time you've ever had licking stamps?
3pm 22nd October 1997
Random Observation of the day
I have done absolutely nothing constructive today. Unless you count beating Mark at 9 (or was it 10?) games of solitaire showdown, constructive, we drew one, he didn't win any :-) Oh, I wrapped a present and did a little bit of washing up, but not much.
