I have come to a conclusion about Helen and feel that it is imperative that I share my knoweledge with the world. She is in fact The Appliance Assassinator. Or would Appliance Annihilator sound better? Yes, probably. I was thinking earlier about things she's killed, I think she has some sort of electrical field around her which blows stuff up. Maybe you think I'm exaggerating, let's examine the evidence shall we? Whilst the list may not seem terribly long to the uninitiated, bear these important facts in mind:

1. How many things have you exploded in the last 5 years? (5 years ago was the first year we shared a house, all of the incidences I will mention occurred during periods in which we were living in the same house, in total we have only lived in the same house for less than 3 years, so this is quite a lot of things for 3 years of living).
   
2. When she first blew something up and told me I seem to recall her mentioning that it was not the first time and that she thought appliances may not like her: On a number of occassions she has joked about the fact that she kills electrical things, using humour to deflect suspicion, what better way to cover the fact that it's the truth!
   

• Microwave - we have no proof as such of this as the microwave was left in the house by the previous tenants, it may have been broken already, we do know that Helen tried to use it and it didn't work.
  
• My sandwich toaster, okay to be fair this has been fixed, but it did explode quite spectacularly when she used it and I think she said there were flames (it melted through it's own lead, to be fixed the lead had to be shortened considerably and the plug reattached).
  
• My old Tv, okay, Helen didn't break this, but she was in the room when it went up in smoke. Personally I've never seen a television do that, we'd had it for years with no problems, can it really be a coincidence that it exploded during the week that Helen was staying at our house? I can't remember who actually turned it on, I admit that it was probably me, but again I say she would have been very close to it, so it could have been within the range of her destruction.
  
• My kettle - she even admits killing this, she tried to boil water and it melted itself. So did she cause my kettle to commit suicide? I was not at home and so it is hard to know.
  
• She used to get sparks off plug sockets a lot.
  
• And she gets shocks off my car a lot too.
  
• The boiler doesn't like her either, it goes out and refuses to relight until I come and do it. That's not even electric, so I don't know why that is.
  
• The TV ariel used to work when Rachel lived in the house. It doesn't work now. Okay I admit that I think it was when I moved things around that that happened, but that's only an assumption, it could have been Helen moving in that did it. Okay, I think it's getting a bit tenuous now, I'll stop attributing completely unrelated acts to her.
  

Maybe she has some sort of electrical field around her, she could be Electricity Woman, a very uncatchy name for a superhero I feel. I have to admit that she wasn't anywhere nearby when my video broke though. But then that didn't do a spectacular smoking thing like the things she touches. That just stopped working. Maybe I should stop being mean now, if I say too much she might use her powers to break my DVD player, or my computer *gasp*. Not that, please. Or even worse she could start thinking of odd things to say about me on her blog, mind you she already accused me of being a pyromaniac. I'm not, I just like to help the fire. It was a controlled fire, it's fine. Oh, except the burning tree that I was walking round with :-) It was a very small tree that was meant to be on the bonfire, I was using it as some sort of olympic torch or giant sparkler, or at least I was trying to, it didn't want to stay lit once it came out of the fire, it stayed alight for a short time, but then just glowed. Still it looked quite nice.

In other news, we went to a computer fair yesterday and no-one had any idiot outside badges :-( Do I mean badges? Those little things that go on the computer case, are they badges? Anyway, them. We saw them once years ago at a computer fair and laughed at them, why didn't we buy them? I've wanted one ever since, I don't know why really, it's not like anyone can even see my computer since it's positioned under the desk, it makes it quite hard to put floppy disks in, but how often do I do that? Floppy disks are so last century.

And onto tangent number three, I found myself watching Enterprise today. I missed the first 20 minutes or so as I was cooking dinner, but I sat and watched it with Helen as I ate and then found myself wanting to see the end, drat. That must make nearly 3 whole episodes I've seen now if you add all the part episodes together, I did watch one full one once, possibly two, he doesn't say oh boy, so where's the fun?